Monday, May 11, 2009

My Mother....the day after Mothers Day.

I do realize that most of you check this blog for updates on E Squared. We appreciate your loyalty and love keeping you all updated...that is one of my two major reasons for keeping the blog up to date. My second reason is to have it for Ella and Edie to look back on...their baby book! That being said, my post today is to document for them something that I hope they will look back on and well.......I don't know what I hope they will think but I want to make sure they are aware!!!
Many of you (anyone who knows me in person) know that I am adopted from the foster care system. I have been VERY VERY fortunate. I did not bounce from home to home. My foster family is still MY FAMILY! They love me and I them. That story is long and I won't go into it here because that is not the point of this post.
I had a tumultuous relationship with my biological mother...she was in and out of my life as a child. She lacked direction and support in her younger life...none of this was her fault but she did allow that to guide her adult life. I struggled and struggled with our relationship for a very long time. I am not sure when but somewhere along the way to where I am now I was able to let my expectations of her go and we began to have a tolerable relationship. It even bordered on good for what it was anyway! Many in my support system had a difficult time understanding why I continued the relationship after all of the disappointment but the reality of it was once I let go of my expectations there was no longer disappointment. The fact remained that she was my mother and that is a bond that CANNOT be broken. The connection is there. She was so very proud of me! And honestly, it made me proud to make her proud. I like to do nice things for people! I haven't done anything extraordinary in my life....graduated high school, went to college, became and RN. Basically got a career...that's normal for us. Right? Well to her that was amazing! NOONE in her family had ever done anything like that. The process of my becoming the person that I am made her happy and for that I am grateful. I'm nothing special but to her I was. She always wanted to come to California to visit me. She probably never left Louisiana...I don't know. She died July 17th. Three years ago this year...2009!
I got her ashes in the mail today! It's harder than I thought it would be. Maybe it's because yesterday was Mothers Day. Maybe it was the lightness of her bag of ashes. I don't know. Maybe it's just the connection...still not broken. The package even smelled like her...smokey! Stale cigarette smoke. Her husband is in poor health...he always has been. I worried that if something happens to him she would get thrown out with the trash. So I asked my dad (my foster father for those of you who may be confused by that) to pick up her ashes and send them to me. Being the person that he is...he did it, gladly.
I hope that Edie Claire and Ella Grace never question the love I have for them. I know how that feels as a child and it's terrible. I am very grateful though that when my mother died I no longer had to question whether she loved me or not. I know she did!


Melanie said...

Oh Samantha, what a bittersweet post. I did not know she had died. Your Mom was very proud of you and had a good reason to be.

Danifred said...

What a beautiful post. Kudos to you for accepting your mother and the relationship you were able to have with her. I am sure that your girls will never doubt the love that you have for them :)

Anonymous said...

I love you Sammie! I am so glad that E squared won't have to know that kind of love, what they have is unconditional, no strings attached pure and true. YOU are the one who has given them that by following your head, heart and dreams. YOU ARE AWESOME!

Amanda said...

Wow. I know E & E will never doubt your love for them either. You are a wonderful mommy!!!

Nicole O'Dell said...

Very touching post. You're so honest. Thanks for sharing...I so happy for E & E. They have a wonderful mother!

Adrienne said...

Oh Honey, I'm so glad you have 2 beautiful girls that will never feel the hurt that you have. You are such a beautiful person, and you know I think having a not so good childhood has made us a better person. Love ya Sam